Pondside Proclamations from the Town Crier Vol. 4

By Matt McDonough

He’s worth hundreds of millions, his biggest accomplishments took place between the fall of 2016 and winter of 2017, over 20 women have accused him of improper conduct over the years, and he’s still standing with a foot firmly in the spotlight.

If your mind went to a current presidential candidate, guess again. We’re talking about Cleveland Browns’ starting quarterback, Deshaun Watson.

The $230 million man has been a bust on the field and, to put it kindly, a creep off of it. Watson kicked off year three in Cleveland – the third of his five fully guaranteed seasons – with a performance as dismal as a Cleveland winter in the Browns 33-17 home loss to Dallas. The offensive line was a mess, as Watson was sacked six times total, but his one-touchdown, two-interception, 169-yard effort with 21 incompletions did not help matters. 

But the real story isn’t just Watson’s lackluster play but his character – or lack thereof. Another woman has come forward with deeply disturbing allegations. This time, Watson is being sued for rape and his accuser will meet with the NFL. The league’s track record is not reliable when it comes to cases like this, but in this matter, let’s hope the league does its due diligence in getting to the truth. In the meantime, Watson should take a seat. Not for poor performance, but because it appears he doesn’t have the decency to be one of the 32 starting quarterbacks in the NFL, and it’s very possible he’s unfit to be a member of society. 

With the number of women accusing him of improprieties (he has more sexual assault accusations in his career than touchdown passes thrown with the Browns), at a certain point, eyes need to point toward the common denominator. Yet, the Browns seem determined to march forward with their $230 million mistake. The franchise that hasn’t gotten much right since Jim Brown has now made one of the worst investments possible. And aside from criminal charges, or a major loss in a public civil suit, that would void the remaining years and dollars on the contract, it’s highly unlikely that anyone will be willing to take Watson off their hands. So Cleveland is stuck with a quarterback who can’t keep his hands, among other things, to himself. 

  • The town crier has never been good at fantasy football, but there’s a renewed sense of optimism that this might be the year the crier cries champion. After ESPN handed out the top draft grade in the league, an A on the report card, the crier won the first matchup of the season in blowout fashion, thanks to big performances by Anthony Richardson, Saquon Barkley, and Rhamondre Stevenson. 
  • The crier’s luck doesn’t just stop at fantasy football. After an eight-year hiatus from survivor pools (they’re like parties to the crier – the invites don’t come often), the crier is back in two this season. After safely navigating Week 1 with the Saints and Seahawks, this week’s picks are the Chargers and Ravens. Thanks to the Patriots’ surprise win over Cincinnati, plenty of Bengals bettors didn’t survive Week One. But let’s put a pin in the gambling talk – don’t want to step on the toes of “Diamond Nose Sports.”
  • Does anyone else think Diamond Degenerate sounds like an asshole? 
  • Based on online teasers, the Patriots will don their silver pants, now a home “alternate” that was a regular occurrence with navy tops during the Brady days, in Foxboro for the opener this Sunday. Let’s make it the norm this season, Patriots. 
  • Caitlin Clark has handled her rookie season, and all that’s come with it, like a pro. The most admirable traits? Saying the right things off the court, not letting much get to her on and off the court, and having a egotistical flair with plenty of moxie on the court. 
  • The Thread of the Week once again comes from a favorite account, BaseballHistoryNut. If baseball is America’s pastime, then the pastime of our childhood was imitating batting stances during front yard wiffle ball games. Despite Jeff Bagwell’s Connecticut ties, and Kevin Youkilis technically being both a member of the Red Sox and Yankees, the crier proclaims Tony Bautista’s stance as the most fun to imitate, edging out Gary Sheffield. Sheffield’s iconic waggle, however, has to be the most popular among right-handed batters, right? But when it comes to lefties, Ken Griffey Jr’s smooth swing is king. That said, Mo Vaughn, whose stance didn’t make the thread, was a popular pick for left-handed batters. 
  • With Oregon, Nike’s poster child, and Maryland, once Under Armour’s guinea pig, embracing modern retro uniforms with throwback script or logos and classic, traditional school colors the last couple seasons, it appears the past (and maybe future) is very much the present. Even Adidas toned down the team templates for schools wearing the three stripes now resembling an established, conservative look overall with less piping and unneeded gaudy designs. Arizona State, who was seemingly meant to be Adidas’ rebrand Mona Lisa a dozen years ago, has incorporated the Sparky logo again, although not always in a conventional manner. Even the UConn men’s basketball team, with their now old “new” logo in place since 2013, has worn their modern throwbacks alternates, complete with Connecticut across the chest and both “old” Jonathan’s of the 1990’s and 2000’s on the shorts, for the last two postseasons (both the Big East and NCAA tournaments). So it begs the question, will more teams go back to basics? I’d assume so based on the trendsetters doing so. Which begs the crier’s question: why change in the first place? 
  • The crier will track other schools that are getting more orthodox throughout the season and use this space for the “Uniform of the Week.” Yes, even tacky alternates are eligible. 
  • Two things to try: Shrimp Your Way (3 for $20) currently at Red Lobster and Never-Ending Pasta Bowl back at Olive Garden Sept. 25. Yes, technically they’re the same parent company (Darden Restaurants), but they’re different chains.
  • It’s been 23 years, but every anniversary of September 11th still brings back the same unfathomable emotions. Watching the footage and reflecting on that day, it’s impossible not to think of all those lost and the countless lives impacted. Our thoughts remain with them.